me and all my craziness

I sometimes don't know how to start my blogs. I can't find the words. I can't find the energy to think clearly and make my blog sound intelligent. When I finally find the time to actually type out my thoughts it is most likely the end of the day and my brain is zapped.

My boys have reached the age (or stage?) where they are FULLY embracing their boyhood. They are wrestling like they are age 6 and are very physical in all aspects. They want to run and jump and be loud and hit and throw and whatever else boys do. And when I say wrestling, I'm talking they are on their way to WWF. I see it in the making. Right now they are coy about it. Tristan will sit on Aiden's leg or arm and pretend like he doesn't know he is doing it. Aiden will get in front of Tristan provoking Tristan to hit him out of the way and thus giving Aiden a reason to hit back. It's funny when I write it out but not when I live it out. I had a big brother and know very well what's in store for my boys. LOTS of hitting and punching and not sharing...unless no one is looking and then they share.

Today I was talking to Julian and I told him that I think I have a malfunction. With my brain. Really. That is what I said word for word. Here's why: I am not the type of Mom who can handle stress very well. I run out of patience VERY quickly. I yell and scream. I feel like something is wrong with me. I don't hear of other Mom's doing things I thought were normal, like yell and scream and lose patience. I mean I have but not from many of them. Most posts or blogs make it seem like those Mom's have it all together almost all the time. Like their children are perfect and wonderful. Well, mine aren't according to what society says perfect is. My babies are perfect for me. But they also drive me nuts. A lot. Would I change it? No. Do I want to change myself to handle them better? Yes.

Today is a challenge. I have tons of stuff to do around the house. My boys make it difficult to get chores done. They like to undo my folded laundry. They do like to put the wet clothes in the dryer though. They like to play with all the dirty dishes while they are being loaded into the dish washer. They like to get the dog all rowdy while I'm vacuuming which makes her shed more. They do like to pretend to vacuum with me though and that is adorable. They like to go play by themselves and end up crying within two seconds which makes me not get what I need to get done, done. I have done really good though. I keep telling myself that I need to just do one thing at a time and COMPLETE the task and then move on to the next. It's working. I've completed many projects today. I also have separated my kids. They were to rambunctious. It works for me and my boys. I don't hear of other Mom's doing this though. I feel like I'm the only one who does that, among other things.

I am posting this because I have come to realize something. WHY am I comparing myself to others? I don't know. It shouldn't matter. What works for my family may not work for other families. And as long as deep in my heart I know I'm doing the best I can, I should be happy with that. We all fall short when we put ourselves on some check list someone else made. We will never be good enough for everybody. We just need to be good enough for our spouse and children. God is good and will provide us with the patience we need to make it through the day. We just have to seek Him and receive His gift.

I don't always do this. In fact, I rarely do this. I try to handle the daily tasks all by myself. I convince myself that I can do anything. I just have to dig deep within myself. But that isn't right. I have to lean on Him and trust Him to get me through whatever it is I am trying to get through. Even the little things. MOSTLY the little things. Our day to day lives aren't filled with big issues or major life changes or extremely important decisions are they? Mostly they are a bunch of little things like laundry, cleaning, dinner, lunch, breakfast, brushing our babies teeth, getting them dressed, finding time to take a shower, etc etc etc. Why not seek Him in those moments and just breathe? I don't know why I don't. I should. I'm going to try to do it more often. I'm really hard on myself and feel not good enough when I don't, which is all the time. It's the little things that we should celebrate. Yay, I got laundry done today. Yay, I hung up the pictures that have been sitting there for months. Yay, I made the bed. Thank you my heavenly Father for giving me the time and patience and motivation to do those things. Thank you for allowing me to complete those chores. Thank you for my babies. For my crazy babies. For my loving babies. For my "I wouldn't change the craziness for anything" babies. Thank you for making me, ME. Crazy and all. Stress and all. Loving and all.

I am learning each and every day how to be the best Mom I can be. And wife. I have much to learn. I am embracing who I am instead of fighting it. Instead of me trying to be something I'm not (like a Mom who never gets stressed or doesn't yell) I realize that I am what I am and deal with it. I may not be the best wife out there but I can be the best wife FOR my husband. Because what "Best" is for someone else may not be "Best" for Julian. The same goes for my sons. I can try to be the best for them. What's best for them isn't the best for some other son or daughter.

That's all I can do. That's all you can do. We should all embrace who we are and stop trying to please others. I think we all do this subconsciously. It's what this crooked world is all about. Image. Perfection. Lies.

"You will never really enjoy other people, you will never have stable emotions, you will never lead a life of godly contentment, you will never conquer jealousy and love others as you should until you thank God for making you the way He did"