Monday, December 20, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
me and all my craziness
I sometimes don't know how to start my blogs. I can't find the words. I can't find the energy to think clearly and make my blog sound intelligent. When I finally find the time to actually type out my thoughts it is most likely the end of the day and my brain is zapped.
My boys have reached the age (or stage?) where they are FULLY embracing their boyhood. They are wrestling like they are age 6 and are very physical in all aspects. They want to run and jump and be loud and hit and throw and whatever else boys do. And when I say wrestling, I'm talking they are on their way to WWF. I see it in the making. Right now they are coy about it. Tristan will sit on Aiden's leg or arm and pretend like he doesn't know he is doing it. Aiden will get in front of Tristan provoking Tristan to hit him out of the way and thus giving Aiden a reason to hit back. It's funny when I write it out but not when I live it out. I had a big brother and know very well what's in store for my boys. LOTS of hitting and punching and not sharing...unless no one is looking and then they share.
Today I was talking to Julian and I told him that I think I have a malfunction. With my brain. Really. That is what I said word for word. Here's why: I am not the type of Mom who can handle stress very well. I run out of patience VERY quickly. I yell and scream. I feel like something is wrong with me. I don't hear of other Mom's doing things I thought were normal, like yell and scream and lose patience. I mean I have but not from many of them. Most posts or blogs make it seem like those Mom's have it all together almost all the time. Like their children are perfect and wonderful. Well, mine aren't according to what society says perfect is. My babies are perfect for me. But they also drive me nuts. A lot. Would I change it? No. Do I want to change myself to handle them better? Yes.
Today is a challenge. I have tons of stuff to do around the house. My boys make it difficult to get chores done. They like to undo my folded laundry. They do like to put the wet clothes in the dryer though. They like to play with all the dirty dishes while they are being loaded into the dish washer. They like to get the dog all rowdy while I'm vacuuming which makes her shed more. They do like to pretend to vacuum with me though and that is adorable. They like to go play by themselves and end up crying within two seconds which makes me not get what I need to get done, done. I have done really good though. I keep telling myself that I need to just do one thing at a time and COMPLETE the task and then move on to the next. It's working. I've completed many projects today. I also have separated my kids. They were to rambunctious. It works for me and my boys. I don't hear of other Mom's doing this though. I feel like I'm the only one who does that, among other things.
I am posting this because I have come to realize something. WHY am I comparing myself to others? I don't know. It shouldn't matter. What works for my family may not work for other families. And as long as deep in my heart I know I'm doing the best I can, I should be happy with that. We all fall short when we put ourselves on some check list someone else made. We will never be good enough for everybody. We just need to be good enough for our spouse and children. God is good and will provide us with the patience we need to make it through the day. We just have to seek Him and receive His gift.
I don't always do this. In fact, I rarely do this. I try to handle the daily tasks all by myself. I convince myself that I can do anything. I just have to dig deep within myself. But that isn't right. I have to lean on Him and trust Him to get me through whatever it is I am trying to get through. Even the little things. MOSTLY the little things. Our day to day lives aren't filled with big issues or major life changes or extremely important decisions are they? Mostly they are a bunch of little things like laundry, cleaning, dinner, lunch, breakfast, brushing our babies teeth, getting them dressed, finding time to take a shower, etc etc etc. Why not seek Him in those moments and just breathe? I don't know why I don't. I should. I'm going to try to do it more often. I'm really hard on myself and feel not good enough when I don't, which is all the time. It's the little things that we should celebrate. Yay, I got laundry done today. Yay, I hung up the pictures that have been sitting there for months. Yay, I made the bed. Thank you my heavenly Father for giving me the time and patience and motivation to do those things. Thank you for allowing me to complete those chores. Thank you for my babies. For my crazy babies. For my loving babies. For my "I wouldn't change the craziness for anything" babies. Thank you for making me, ME. Crazy and all. Stress and all. Loving and all.
I am learning each and every day how to be the best Mom I can be. And wife. I have much to learn. I am embracing who I am instead of fighting it. Instead of me trying to be something I'm not (like a Mom who never gets stressed or doesn't yell) I realize that I am what I am and deal with it. I may not be the best wife out there but I can be the best wife FOR my husband. Because what "Best" is for someone else may not be "Best" for Julian. The same goes for my sons. I can try to be the best for them. What's best for them isn't the best for some other son or daughter.
That's all I can do. That's all you can do. We should all embrace who we are and stop trying to please others. I think we all do this subconsciously. It's what this crooked world is all about. Image. Perfection. Lies.
"You will never really enjoy other people, you will never have stable emotions, you will never lead a life of godly contentment, you will never conquer jealousy and love others as you should until you thank God for making you the way He did"
My boys have reached the age (or stage?) where they are FULLY embracing their boyhood. They are wrestling like they are age 6 and are very physical in all aspects. They want to run and jump and be loud and hit and throw and whatever else boys do. And when I say wrestling, I'm talking they are on their way to WWF. I see it in the making. Right now they are coy about it. Tristan will sit on Aiden's leg or arm and pretend like he doesn't know he is doing it. Aiden will get in front of Tristan provoking Tristan to hit him out of the way and thus giving Aiden a reason to hit back. It's funny when I write it out but not when I live it out. I had a big brother and know very well what's in store for my boys. LOTS of hitting and punching and not sharing...unless no one is looking and then they share.
Today I was talking to Julian and I told him that I think I have a malfunction. With my brain. Really. That is what I said word for word. Here's why: I am not the type of Mom who can handle stress very well. I run out of patience VERY quickly. I yell and scream. I feel like something is wrong with me. I don't hear of other Mom's doing things I thought were normal, like yell and scream and lose patience. I mean I have but not from many of them. Most posts or blogs make it seem like those Mom's have it all together almost all the time. Like their children are perfect and wonderful. Well, mine aren't according to what society says perfect is. My babies are perfect for me. But they also drive me nuts. A lot. Would I change it? No. Do I want to change myself to handle them better? Yes.
Today is a challenge. I have tons of stuff to do around the house. My boys make it difficult to get chores done. They like to undo my folded laundry. They do like to put the wet clothes in the dryer though. They like to play with all the dirty dishes while they are being loaded into the dish washer. They like to get the dog all rowdy while I'm vacuuming which makes her shed more. They do like to pretend to vacuum with me though and that is adorable. They like to go play by themselves and end up crying within two seconds which makes me not get what I need to get done, done. I have done really good though. I keep telling myself that I need to just do one thing at a time and COMPLETE the task and then move on to the next. It's working. I've completed many projects today. I also have separated my kids. They were to rambunctious. It works for me and my boys. I don't hear of other Mom's doing this though. I feel like I'm the only one who does that, among other things.
I am posting this because I have come to realize something. WHY am I comparing myself to others? I don't know. It shouldn't matter. What works for my family may not work for other families. And as long as deep in my heart I know I'm doing the best I can, I should be happy with that. We all fall short when we put ourselves on some check list someone else made. We will never be good enough for everybody. We just need to be good enough for our spouse and children. God is good and will provide us with the patience we need to make it through the day. We just have to seek Him and receive His gift.
I don't always do this. In fact, I rarely do this. I try to handle the daily tasks all by myself. I convince myself that I can do anything. I just have to dig deep within myself. But that isn't right. I have to lean on Him and trust Him to get me through whatever it is I am trying to get through. Even the little things. MOSTLY the little things. Our day to day lives aren't filled with big issues or major life changes or extremely important decisions are they? Mostly they are a bunch of little things like laundry, cleaning, dinner, lunch, breakfast, brushing our babies teeth, getting them dressed, finding time to take a shower, etc etc etc. Why not seek Him in those moments and just breathe? I don't know why I don't. I should. I'm going to try to do it more often. I'm really hard on myself and feel not good enough when I don't, which is all the time. It's the little things that we should celebrate. Yay, I got laundry done today. Yay, I hung up the pictures that have been sitting there for months. Yay, I made the bed. Thank you my heavenly Father for giving me the time and patience and motivation to do those things. Thank you for allowing me to complete those chores. Thank you for my babies. For my crazy babies. For my loving babies. For my "I wouldn't change the craziness for anything" babies. Thank you for making me, ME. Crazy and all. Stress and all. Loving and all.
I am learning each and every day how to be the best Mom I can be. And wife. I have much to learn. I am embracing who I am instead of fighting it. Instead of me trying to be something I'm not (like a Mom who never gets stressed or doesn't yell) I realize that I am what I am and deal with it. I may not be the best wife out there but I can be the best wife FOR my husband. Because what "Best" is for someone else may not be "Best" for Julian. The same goes for my sons. I can try to be the best for them. What's best for them isn't the best for some other son or daughter.
That's all I can do. That's all you can do. We should all embrace who we are and stop trying to please others. I think we all do this subconsciously. It's what this crooked world is all about. Image. Perfection. Lies.
"You will never really enjoy other people, you will never have stable emotions, you will never lead a life of godly contentment, you will never conquer jealousy and love others as you should until you thank God for making you the way He did"
Monday, December 13, 2010
What A Wonderful Weekend
So the weekend was awesome. Julian and I went to a couple of breweries with some very good friends of ours and had a blast. I even tried some of the beer. You must know though that I HATE beer. It is disgusting and I don't get how people drink it. BUT this weekend I tried several different kind and found two that were tolerable. I still didn't get my own drink. I sipped some and that was it. I'm just not a drinker.
But the day was great. We were able to laugh and have a good time with friends. The boys were at my Mom's and they had a blast there. Good times.
Sunday we went to church and then to lunch with even more good friends (including the good friends we just spent Saturday with). It was great. We haven't had a big lunch crowd like that in a long time. It was hectic but wonderful. I then was able to go to the grocery store all by myself and figure out how to work my grocery app on my phone. It is FLIPPIN' awesome folks. It is called Grocery IQ and it is heaven. It can scan the item you want and then you put in the price of it and it will total up your list for you. I scanned all my items and I wasn't a penny off my total when I got to the register. HOLY MOLY it rocks!!!! I can make my menu and grocery list from home and have my total before even going to the store. Woo-Hoo!! We got home and decided to have a date night. We were just going to get a video-on-demand after the kids went down for bed and snuggle. I made us Toffee Hot Chocolate (for the first time) and it was the best thing I have ever had in a cup. It was so delicious. I'm serious. It was. I also made my soapapilla cheesecake. YUM. Double Yum actually. We ended up not getting a video that we would have to pay for but just watched some of our shows that we needed to catch up on. It was glorious. What a great Sunday. I need many, many, many more of those.
Even though this is out of order, Friday night was great too. I made pizza for the boys (a pizza kit from the store) and added some yummy goodness of my own. I put olives and zucchini on top for them and extra cheese. We watched a movie with the boys and then just relaxed until bedtime. We had an early morning scheduled for Saturday so we didn't stay up late.
It was just a fantastic weekend. I loved it.
But the day was great. We were able to laugh and have a good time with friends. The boys were at my Mom's and they had a blast there. Good times.
Sunday we went to church and then to lunch with even more good friends (including the good friends we just spent Saturday with). It was great. We haven't had a big lunch crowd like that in a long time. It was hectic but wonderful. I then was able to go to the grocery store all by myself and figure out how to work my grocery app on my phone. It is FLIPPIN' awesome folks. It is called Grocery IQ and it is heaven. It can scan the item you want and then you put in the price of it and it will total up your list for you. I scanned all my items and I wasn't a penny off my total when I got to the register. HOLY MOLY it rocks!!!! I can make my menu and grocery list from home and have my total before even going to the store. Woo-Hoo!! We got home and decided to have a date night. We were just going to get a video-on-demand after the kids went down for bed and snuggle. I made us Toffee Hot Chocolate (for the first time) and it was the best thing I have ever had in a cup. It was so delicious. I'm serious. It was. I also made my soapapilla cheesecake. YUM. Double Yum actually. We ended up not getting a video that we would have to pay for but just watched some of our shows that we needed to catch up on. It was glorious. What a great Sunday. I need many, many, many more of those.
Even though this is out of order, Friday night was great too. I made pizza for the boys (a pizza kit from the store) and added some yummy goodness of my own. I put olives and zucchini on top for them and extra cheese. We watched a movie with the boys and then just relaxed until bedtime. We had an early morning scheduled for Saturday so we didn't stay up late.
It was just a fantastic weekend. I loved it.
Monday, December 6, 2010
BIG Month
This December is a big, big month for me.
First, we are going to Albuquerque for Christmas. This will be my first time in Julian's hometown for Christmas as well as the boys. I am very excited about it actually. I am a bit sad about not being with my family, like I always have been, but we are doing our party on the 18 so it's not as if I am not getting a Christmas with them. I am super stoked about going. We are going to do a River of Lights tour. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Christmas lights so I think I'm more excited about that than anyone else. We are planning on taking a train ride to Santa Fe. How flippin' cool is that? Tristan is going to freak. He loves trains and Aiden is going to love it too. He is all boy. ALL boy. Trains, planes, and automobiles are what gets his heart tickin' fast. =) Julian and I are also going to try to go to dinner with one of his Air Force buds. That will be awesome for my Honey. He needs that connection. Grandma will be our sitter so Julian and I also get to go on a date. OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH how we need that. And I know the boys are going to LOVE being with their Grandma. They miss her so much. Plus, she is going to get to know Aiden this time around. She was here in August but I don't think Aiden had really come out of his shell yet. He is now though. He loves to play and get your attention and "talk" to you. I'm excited about the cold weather. I love cold weather. I want to bundle up with all my layers and coats and scarves. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Hot chocolate and snuggles with Julian to keep me warm. aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
The thing I am most excited about is sharing this glorious holiday with my Mom (in-law but I just call her mom because she is mom. Julian's family is my family). This is the first time I get to spend this holiday with her. This is her favorite holiday as well. I can't wait to see her excitement on Christmas morning. I am going to soak up all the love up and keep it in my heart forever. She needs to be with her grandbabies on her holiday. It's good for the soul. I just love that woman.
The second reason this month is a big one is because I turn THIRTY!! Now, I have never been one to see turning thirty as a big deal. It isn't like 30 is old. However, I have always seen 30 as a big milestone. I have been looking forward to turning thirty since I was about 22. I always saw turning thirty as leaving one "stupid" decade and going into the "secure" decade of life. In our twenties we make tons of mistakes (most of us anyway) and just live our lives thinking we won't pay for our mistakes. In our twenties we are dumb and only care about ourselves. We don't know exactly who we are. But I always thought that when we turn 30 we would be more secure in ourselves and would have learned from our past mistakes. Now that I am turning 30 myself, I am realizing that just isn't the case. I am NOT more secure in myself. I have NOT learned from previous struggles. I mean I have but it sure is hard living out what I know to be true and proper sometimes.
I have taken an inventory of my life and I see 30 rapidly approaching. I am not ready for it in the sense of I thought I'd be further along in my own journey(as just Jennifer, not a Mother, not a Wife, not a Daughter but as just me). I am not as secure as I thought I would be. I am not the woman I saw myself being. I still struggle with things that I thought I wouldn't be struggling with. It is all different than what I dreamed it would be. So I have been working on some of the changes I need to make in order for my thirties to ROCK!! Here are a few:
Finish what I start.
Relax more.
Love more.
Yell less.
Enjoy my family instead of trying to control them.
Be happy with what God gave me.
Embrace myself for who I am.
Stop caring so much what others think.
Be ME not someone else.
Let the little things go.
Stress less.
These are some of the things I need to work on. There are many, many more but I can't think of them. Did you see how some of them are the same? I need to just be happy with being Jennifer. Not try to be "a Jennifer" that others want me to be but just be me. I saw that theme in my twenties. I would change for others. I would think less of myself for some odd reason. But not anymore. I am me and should be happy with that. God made me just the way I am and God doesn't make mistakes. He is perfect. We should all love who we are!
First, we are going to Albuquerque for Christmas. This will be my first time in Julian's hometown for Christmas as well as the boys. I am very excited about it actually. I am a bit sad about not being with my family, like I always have been, but we are doing our party on the 18 so it's not as if I am not getting a Christmas with them. I am super stoked about going. We are going to do a River of Lights tour. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Christmas lights so I think I'm more excited about that than anyone else. We are planning on taking a train ride to Santa Fe. How flippin' cool is that? Tristan is going to freak. He loves trains and Aiden is going to love it too. He is all boy. ALL boy. Trains, planes, and automobiles are what gets his heart tickin' fast. =) Julian and I are also going to try to go to dinner with one of his Air Force buds. That will be awesome for my Honey. He needs that connection. Grandma will be our sitter so Julian and I also get to go on a date. OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH how we need that. And I know the boys are going to LOVE being with their Grandma. They miss her so much. Plus, she is going to get to know Aiden this time around. She was here in August but I don't think Aiden had really come out of his shell yet. He is now though. He loves to play and get your attention and "talk" to you. I'm excited about the cold weather. I love cold weather. I want to bundle up with all my layers and coats and scarves. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Hot chocolate and snuggles with Julian to keep me warm. aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
The thing I am most excited about is sharing this glorious holiday with my Mom (in-law but I just call her mom because she is mom. Julian's family is my family). This is the first time I get to spend this holiday with her. This is her favorite holiday as well. I can't wait to see her excitement on Christmas morning. I am going to soak up all the love up and keep it in my heart forever. She needs to be with her grandbabies on her holiday. It's good for the soul. I just love that woman.
The second reason this month is a big one is because I turn THIRTY!! Now, I have never been one to see turning thirty as a big deal. It isn't like 30 is old. However, I have always seen 30 as a big milestone. I have been looking forward to turning thirty since I was about 22. I always saw turning thirty as leaving one "stupid" decade and going into the "secure" decade of life. In our twenties we make tons of mistakes (most of us anyway) and just live our lives thinking we won't pay for our mistakes. In our twenties we are dumb and only care about ourselves. We don't know exactly who we are. But I always thought that when we turn 30 we would be more secure in ourselves and would have learned from our past mistakes. Now that I am turning 30 myself, I am realizing that just isn't the case. I am NOT more secure in myself. I have NOT learned from previous struggles. I mean I have but it sure is hard living out what I know to be true and proper sometimes.
I have taken an inventory of my life and I see 30 rapidly approaching. I am not ready for it in the sense of I thought I'd be further along in my own journey(as just Jennifer, not a Mother, not a Wife, not a Daughter but as just me). I am not as secure as I thought I would be. I am not the woman I saw myself being. I still struggle with things that I thought I wouldn't be struggling with. It is all different than what I dreamed it would be. So I have been working on some of the changes I need to make in order for my thirties to ROCK!! Here are a few:
Finish what I start.
Relax more.
Love more.
Yell less.
Enjoy my family instead of trying to control them.
Be happy with what God gave me.
Embrace myself for who I am.
Stop caring so much what others think.
Be ME not someone else.
Let the little things go.
Stress less.
These are some of the things I need to work on. There are many, many more but I can't think of them. Did you see how some of them are the same? I need to just be happy with being Jennifer. Not try to be "a Jennifer" that others want me to be but just be me. I saw that theme in my twenties. I would change for others. I would think less of myself for some odd reason. But not anymore. I am me and should be happy with that. God made me just the way I am and God doesn't make mistakes. He is perfect. We should all love who we are!
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