Wednesday, February 3, 2010

something new, jenny's blue

So I am in a funky mood right now. I don't know if it is because I found out some sad news from my dear friend about her pregnancy. I know that God is in control but I am just so sad because too many people in the last year have had so many problems with pregnancies. It breaks my heart to see my friends go through heartache.

It might be because Aiden will be one in two months and 19 days. I can't believe how incredibly fast this year has gone by. I am also sad because my goal was to have lost all the baby weight from my FIRST pregnancy by the time Aiden turned one. I lost all Aiden's weight super quick but good gosh it is hard to lose the weight from Tristan's pregnancy. Everytime I get going with doing good, I end up having fast food and feel as though I failed. It is really hard because almost every Tuesday and Thursday I get free food at work but it is always, and I mean always, fast food. Plus I just love soda but soda sure doesn't love me. I really need to do something new and different to lose weight because what I have been doing just isn't cuttin' it.

I also feel blah just cause. I think it's because things are changing that I thought wouldn't change but they are. I am feeling like a fish out of water and it isn't pleasant. I see things going on that I don't care for but there is nothing that I can do about it. Even if I said something, nothing would happen...especially if the person I am supposed to tell is doing the "thing" also. It makes me feel yucky. I wish things were different because the place they are happening at is the one place you wouldn't think it would happen at but yet is the number one place it happens at. Follow that?

Julian is in school. He is taking three classes (nine hours I think) and boy are they in depth. He has papers due out the whazoo. It's crazy. So crazy that he is going to need to be at library every moment he can be or stuck in our room studying/writing/etc. I know it needs to be done and I am totally for it but it is sad that I can't be with my best friend. I want to hug and kiss my husband but can't because he has to have his face stuck in books. I am telling myself to think of the end result and how wonderful it will be but I can't help but have some doubts. I think about what we are trying to achieve and you know what? I think we have it pretty good right now. It is WONDERFUL if Julian gets his degree so he can be a good example for our children but as far as getting a good job...whatever. He has a good job right now. We have nice things with almost no debt. We have been married three 1/2 years and only have one credit card with debt. Our house has nice furniture with all sorts of toys for our children. We are able to pay bills in advance with overpayments. Here is what I am worried about. I see men who have degree's and have all kinds of money (or at least put on a show that they do but I think they really have debt coming out their ears and are living on credit cards that are probably maxed out) but yet they work till all sorts of hours. They don't have time for their families. They don't have time for their marriages. They give all they have to their job so they can "provide" for their family yet never even see their family. They spent all their time going to school to be a better provider and then spend all their time working at a job that they went to school to get. The results...NO TIME WITH FAMILY. I don't want that for Julian. And Julian doesn't want that either. Right now he has a good job that pays enough for us and he is home by 4:30 and is able to take time off when needed with vacation time and benefits. I like where he is at and he does too. It's just right now he is going for other reasons that I don't want to say that make it worthwhile for now but it is just rough. Rough on him and rough on our boys. I am able to get by because I am a tough girl that makes things work no matter what. Julian and I have learned how much we love each other and how precious our time is. We are much more passionate with each other when we are together. We say I love you more and hug more and give kisses more often. Our boys are seeing loving parents and what it takes to make things work. That makes me happy but I just miss my husband.

So all these things in conjuction with each other make me blue. I had to get that off my chest. I am laying this all out there for the reason that if you are reading this and have felt any of these feelings before, you aren't alone. We all feel blue sometimes and we all have our own unique problems. Sometimes we just have to spit it out to get some healing, to make ourselves better. Writing them down is better than saying them face to face with someone. No one is judging me as I write my thoughts down and hopefully won't judge me after reading them. But with the mood I am in right now, I would throw someone to the curb if they judged me. I don't have time nor the patience to deal with people who judge others for how they feel.

So here is how I feel...not filtered in any way. These are my thoughts and I own them.