God is laughing at me

These days I am learning some of the different experiences that children can bring. I have learned to be more patient while learning that I need more patience. I am learning that these little babies that grew inside of me are little mimicks of us. They will do what they see us do and think it is how life is. I am much more aware of the words coming out of my mouth, what is on my television set, what I listen to on the radio, and how I treat and REACT to other people. I am working on this and that is why I have capitalized that word. I am a reactor when it comes to other people. You know that verse "be slow to anger..."? Yeah, I am SOOOOOOOO not an expert on that one. But it certainly helps me to learn it better when I know that how I react to others is teaching my child how to react. So I am more aware of my emotions and how to handle them these day than past days. I, of course, still have my moments when I "explode" and feel like a crumb afterward but I am trying and that is the best that I can do.

Aiden had learned to say no. That stung. I cringed when I heard it because that is a reflection of me (for the most part). He hears me correct Tristan with that word or correct him with that word. He hasn't even said "momma" yet. It is making me rethink how I correct my boys though. I am trying to use other words instead of "no". I am saying "gentle" or "let's do this instead" more now. But it sure is hard because the first word that pops into my head when they are doing something they shouldn't is no. It is humbling. My children are a reflection of Julian and myself and I want them to be the best people they can be. I want the best for them in every way. I want them to be polite, outgoing, strong, positive gentlemen. I want them to stand up for what they believe in when they get older. I want them to be strong and say "no" when temptation comes their way. (at that time "no" will be a wonderful word for them to use...just not now at the age of two and ten months) I pray that they are leaders and not followers.

Because I want the best for them, it is my job as their mother to teach them these virtues. I am just figuring out my short comings along the way. It is quite a humbling experience, motherhood. I am learning that I can love someone in a way that I never thought possible and even when they are bad I just keep on loving them more and more. I want to endure the fit throwing to make them better in the end instead of walking away from it like it isn't happening.

Tristan is such a wonderful son. He has his moments but he really is a good kid. He doesn't want to share but does anyways (after some talking too of course). He can count to twenty and knows how to play "real" games now. He cleans his room to my liking (which is some pretty high standards) and listens to direction very well. He loves his brother and protects him. At the same time though he does get annoyed with him when Aiden takes his choo choo's. He always wakes up and gives the best kisses. I just love him. Sometimes you have to write out all the good and some bad to REALLY appreciate what you have.

Aiden is so loving. He is very, VERY attached to his mommy right now. In fact, on Sunday when I dropped him off in the nursery it wasn't even ten minutes later that I had to go get him because he was crying so bad. I had to hold him all service in the front of the hallway. I didn't mind though because that just meant more cuddling with my little Egeh. He is a quick learner and has the most beautiful smile. His chocolate eyes will melt your heart. He has cute little piggies that we like to eat. He adores his brother and tries to be with him as much as possible. He will play with him and try to do what Tristan does. Tristan taught him how to play cars and trains. He makes the sound of cars sometimes too because that is what Tristan does. Again, I never thought I could love someone else like I do my children. Until you have one (or more) you just don't know what that kind of love is. You just don't. I thought I did when I had my first puppy, Squeaker, but that is NOTHING compared to having children.

So I am learning how to be a better person, and mother, as I go along. God is laughing because He is seeing His daughter grow up. I thought I knew it all but I know nothing. He is chuckling at the growth He sees and because He loves me more than I know. He wants the best for me. It isn't laughing in a bad way but a good way. The kind of chuckle you give when you see your child achieve a goal or master a skill (even though I have not mastered anything). A sweet chuckle from my Father above reminding me just how small I am in the world but how big I am in His heart.